Repair can't start from a flooded nervous system. Regulate is whatever brings you to a pause, three to five slow breaths, a splash of water on your face, a walk to the other room. You don't need to be calm, only more regulated than you were thirty seconds ago.

Before you turn toward your teen, turn toward yourself. What just happened in you? What got activated? Explore your own state of mind first, so when you come back to them you're not still riding the wave that just took you under.

Now turn toward your teen. Try to understand what happened for them. You may get it wrong, the try is what matters. What your teen registers is that someone is attempting to know them. Empathy is not agreement; you can attune and still hold the limit.

The gesture of return, calibrated to what the moment needs. Sometimes it's an apology out loud. Sometimes it's sitting down next to them and staying in the room. Sometimes it's the smallest signal, a look, a touch, that says: the relationship is still here.